It has been almost 2 months. I’ve mostly gotten past my mad feelings. When they do show up they are fleeting, a moment of angry self pity, and then they are passing and I’ve found another emotion to grasp.
It is Easter Sunday. You know just how much it means to all of us, because it meant a lot to you. It seems like a small gift, that the first “big holiday” be Easter, the one about the future, and not the past. My therapist says most people find holidays hard, because the memories are so ingrained- because there are so many to choose from. It’s frustrating, but I don’t have tons of Easter specific memories. I clearly remember the year mom and dad put a water gun in each basket. I must have been young, because we were all together. We were ridiculous enough to stage a water gun chase/fight in the yard. I distinctly see Mark wearing shorts. I think it was maybe 40 degrees. It night even have been snowing?
“I will cherish that old rugged cross, til I trade it someday for a crown”
We sang this on Good Friday as we venerated the cross. I hadn’t heard it in years. It consumed my thoughts – all I could think was, how amazing does your crown look? I ran through the options. Did you glitterbomb it? Did you bedazzle the heck out of it? Did you go for a classic, understated look with a few pearls? Did you do like Aimee taught us and pour paint all over it? It was ridiculous, in a way, but I ran through all the scenarios and made mental pictures each time. (They all look fabulous, each one, so I like imagining you have a crown closet a la the shoe closets so many of us down here enjoy. Not me, but you know that.)
For that passing moment I could feel the anger – the “it wasn’t supposed to be this way” revolt, the “what were you thinking, God” – but it quickly gave way to… A small but honest piece of jealousy.
Jealousy because you’re celebrating Jesus’ resurrection in a way I can’t, and in a way I can’t comprehend (yet). Jealousy because the Jesus I love has the Liz I love, and I’m left with memories and reminders. Jealous because where you are, it’s fabulous and pain free, and we’re still digging our way through (not over, not under, but through) our pain. Trying so hard to get through however we best can. I was jealous and then I was reminded that it’s what I have to anticipate, too. Not yet, and probably not any time soon, but it’s the hope we all have because of the resurrected Jesus. I can only figure the party in Heaven today is intense. Someday.
So today I’m not mad. I miss you, but I’m going to play with your kids again and relish the personalities where you shine. I’m going to love this family that I’m with, and dream of an epic water gun fight again someday. I’m going to feel my feelings, whatever they may be, and indulge only the ones that help me keep moving.
We all trade in our crosses for crowns, but you beat me to it. Til then, I love you, and I miss you. Happy Easter, Lizzie.
John 16, 20-22
20 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21 A woman giving birth to a child has painbecause her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.