I used to occasionally participate in a weekly blog called “7 quick takes”. It popped into my head today and since the only real time I have these days (look, binge watching tv and reading books takes up time) I thought it might work to organize my thoughts.
1. Its getting easier and less anger-inducing to hear and answer the “How are you?” Question. This coincides with way less people asking. If you’re afraid to ask, just add a today. “How are you TODAY” is better. (Thanks Nate for helping me realize that.)
2. I had to bite the bullet and came up with “Aunt Lizzie had to go see Jesus so we can’t go see her” to explain to my daughter, who I think said “ohhhhhh okay” in that way she does but I don’t really remember because wouldn’t you want to block that out? We say her name and look at pictures and it’s not really getting easier but maybe someday.
3. The waves of grief are sometimes calm seas for days followed by the realization that all those calm seas were predicting a tsunami. Then they recede again, eventually.
4. I like talking to a therapist who doesn’t know or have the same family baggage I do. It is way easier to grieve when you’re not concerned about the other persons reaction to your grief
5. This is also why writing is so much easier. If you read this and sob, I don’t know it, and therefore I don’t feel “bad” for making you feel “bad” etc etc. So really it’s about me, not you (just like every lame breakup ever)
6. It is clear that one of the best things my sister ever did was marry Nate (best brother in law ever) and have their boys, and my daughter is going to be grateful forever because daaaaaamn that cousin bond they are developing is strong. The days they spent together were really good for my soul
7. I struggle with memories and how they are both wonderful and terrible. Some are just wonderful. Others are not. The hardest part of life right now is realizing there aren’t going to be any more to make. I hate that. I really do. I feel like my life has become divided into a before and after. Like the whole BC and AD thing feels very real to me. I’m grateful for those 29 years of memories but damn it I wanted more. Some days I’m angry at God and he knows because I tell him. Don’t fret, he’s not mad at me for being mad, he already told me that. If you are too, it’s ok- God can handle it better than the rest of us. He let his own son die…I’d like to think he gets the whole grieving process.
So that’s where I’m at. I’m sometimes really really ok. I’m living my “best life” (hello ice cream) and I’m feeling my feelings (I know you’re proud of me Lizzie) and I’m acknowledging that it’s ok to feel ok but when you’re not, you’re not, and that’s ok too. Ride the waves of grief.
Sounds like a child has awoken. Back to the coffee and the mom grind.